Upstream Color (2013)

Upstream Color follows two people who struggle with their identity after being abducted and mind controlled with an unknown substance. Kind of.

upstream color
photo credit: erbp films erbpfilm.com

This is a like it or hate it film that some may call mysterious, intense, suspenseful, boring, or pretentious. Devoid of much dialog this film uses an unconventional sound track both as part of the story and the viewer’s backdrop. Intentional or not, understanding what is really going on is difficult but the journey is oddly interesting. I give it 3 hypnotizing meal worms out of 5 pig people.

Stars Amy Seimetz, Shane Carruth

A Million Ways to Die in the West (2014)

Guy falls for girl (or the other way around, or both ways) in an old west comedy.

A Million Ways to Die in the WestThe old west is typically romanticized as this fun adventure time with shooting, booze, and lawless shenanigans. Seth McFarlane set out to make the same thing except with some honesty about daily life there. Many people were offended by the portrayals of, well, everyone really which probably contributed to the movie’s poor box office, but part of the point of the movie was to show the old west isn’t that great because of things like racism and disease. Parts of it are hilarious, parts of it are genuinely a decent love story, and parts are poorly paced. I give it 3 roof sheep out of 5 butt flowers.

Stars: Seth McFarlane, Charlize Theron, Amanda Seyfriend, Liam Neeson.

 

Roller Town (2012)

Roller Town rink is threatened to be closed by mobsters who want to turn it into an arcade! Oh no!

Roller TownRoller Town is filled with heart break, love lost, bird caw-cawing, musical interludes, tragedy, fucking rainbow magic, and disco forever motherfucker! This movie has it all! Roller Town is a must see for those who love disco and rollerskating or just love the ridiculous andfunny! I give it 5 cocks on the table out of 5 funky pies!

Stars: It doesn’t fucking matter.

The Loneliest Planet (2011)

Loneliest PlanetAn engaged couple go hiking with a guide in the Caucasus Mountains. A thing happens and things gets awkward.

If you think <fill in your own movie> is slow then you clearly haven’t seen The Loneliest Planet which is not to say this is a bad thing, but a lot of people will not have the patience for this film. Come for the gorgeous shots of Caucasus Mountains, stay for the awkward silence. Leave when you’ve had enough of both even if the movie isn’t over. I give it 2 awkward kisses out of 5 Georgian hiking guides.

Stars people you’ve never heard of.

Darklight (2004, SyFy TV Movie)

DarklightA secret society called “The Faith” must call upon Lilith, a young woman who doesn’t know she is imbued with mystical powers called Darklight. She is Eve cast from the garden of eden and apparently cursed to be a demon.

Despite being in English it appears to be dubbed over in English again just for good measure. Some highlights include a training sequence complimented with ripoff Enya music and magical repairing tank tops. The dialog is worse than Sharknado (don’t worry if you have never seen it, all you have to know is it is a movie about sharks in a tornado). There is also a plague… just because. The end fight scene is the equivalent of a bad video game cut scene from 15 years ago.

What I learned: If you have an idea for a terrible sci-fi/fantasy film the SyFy network will buy it. Probably before even reading it.

I give it 1 stake made from the garden of eden tree out of 5 demon blood injections to the forehead.

Stars: People you’ve never heard of except maybe John de Lancie who you may have seen in “Zombie Hamlet”.

Idiocracy was right

Mike Judge created an amusing movie called Idiocracy in 2006 that depicted the future of America as, well, incredibly dumb. The movie was a colossal flop at the box office. Perhaps this movie hit a bit too close to home and audiences preferred to avoid seeing their eventual doom. Regardless Idiocracy, just 8 years later, has been proven right. I present my evidence:

new-tv

new-talking

new-politiciansandguns

new-nakednews

new-magazines

new-healthcare

new-garbage

new-buildingname

new-advertising

I rest my case.

Make Believe (2010)

Teen magicians compete for teen magician of the year award.

Make BelieveJapanese, South African, and American contestants are followed in this documentary which starts with each teen magician’s background and their journey to Las Vegas for the contest. The documentary gives you an idea of some interesting personalities behind the scene and an look at the competitiveness of magic.

What I learned: I have no patience for learning magic.

I rate it 4 magically appearing doves out of 5 disappearing rabbits.

Southland Tales (2006)

Southland TalesI’ve seen Southland Tales it several times and I still don’t know for sure what the hell this movie is about. My best guess is… ok… I’ve got nothing.

Exceedingly weird. Stylistic but almost in an anti-music video fashion. My goal is to watch the movie about once a year until I figure out what the hell this movie means on or until I am crazy and think I know what this movie means. Awkward, bizarre, brilliant sometimes, and often terrible, Southland Tales delivers an odd movie that could mean something or nothing.

What I learned: Richard Kelly is either insane or brilliant or brilliantly insane. Also pimps don’t commit suicide.

Quote of the movie: “All the pilgrims did was ruin the american indian orgy of freedom.”

I give it 3 stolen RPGs out of 5 zeppelins powered by Fluid Karma.

Stars: Janeane Garofalo, Sarah Michelle Gellar, Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, Christopher Lambert, John Larroquette, Jon Lovitz, Mandy Moore, Amy Poehler, Will Sasso, Seann William Scott, Kevin Smith, Justin Timberlake, and Eli Roth.

Detention (2011)

DetentionYet another horror comedy because apparently I’m in the mood for that shit. So at Grizzly Lake high school a killer is on the loose. Self aware, sarcastic, cynical, extremely odd and humorous. I kind of feel like this is the 2010 equivalent of the weird low budget 80s movies that were made. But with a lot more blood. There is an amazing travel through time in detention complete with music from the eras. Then more amazing time travel to 1994. Also Steven Seagal vs Swayze.

Contains the best counter argument to vegetarians from a Canadian exchange student: Only eat baby animals because they haven’t lived as long and won’t know what kind of life they are missing.

I give it 5 acid vomiting quarterbacks out of 5 time traveling bear machine.

Bonus: There is a guy with a TV for hand.

Quote of the movie: “Parties are full of self discovery.”

All Cheerleaders Die (2013)

All Cheerleaders DieIn this horror comedy a girl out for revenge against the captain of the football team infiltrates the cheerleader squad so she can turn them against the captain. Things go terribly wrong (of course) and most people die, but don’t worry it’s nothing magic can’t fix. Oh yeah, there is a lesbian blood drinking thing, but you probably assumed that already.

I really enjoyed the disneyesque love music interspersed with all the murder, blood, and black magic. Also there is dubsetp. Surprisingly disturbing, and humorous, and, well, disturbing.

I give it 4 gushing bloody head wounds out of 5 undead cheerleader magical life crystals.

Stars: Caitlin Stasey, Sianoa Smit-McPhee, Brooke Butler