Katy Perry: Part of Me (2012)

image credit: katyperrypartofme.com
image credit: katyperrypartofme.com

Katy Perry docudramady!

Some argued this was just PR smoke from her record label to help promote one of their biggest artists but I would argue it contained a lot of foam too. Katy Perry is crazy; I got tired just watching her perform for a whole year so I have no idea how she did it. 

I give it 4 Spinning Boob Discs out of 5 Blue Wigs.

Stars Katty Perry’s creepy blue cat.

Branded (2012)

All brands are a part of a conspiracy to control your mind!

image credit: io9.com
image credit: io9.com

Terribly paced for the first 3/4ths, Branded tries to do what Syrup did and poke fun at marketing and how people respond to it but only succeeds in an odd mess of a story with some special effects dreamt up while the writer did some seriously strong acid. The most disappointing aspect is the way the movie was marketed. There are posters that appear to show the main character holding guns and in the above image he has an axe and while technically this may have happened it is simply an attempt to draw in viewers who looking for some action. There is no action in this film unless you count burning cows. I give it 2 tentacle creatures out of 5 sacrificial cows.

Stars Leelee Sobieski, Jeffery Tambor, Ed Stoppard

Hansel and Gretel Get Baked (2013)

 

image credit: facebook.com/HanselGretelGetBaked/
image credit: facebook.com/HanselGretelGetBaked/

See title for plot.

To be fair Hansel abstains from pot but the true message of the story is don’t trust Pasadena California (where this movie takes place) at least if you are a teenager looking to score some pot. I’m fairly certain I walked down one of the roads this movie was filmed on going to the Rose Bowl (yeah I just dropped that shit). The movie briefly features Cary Elwes and Yancy Butler from Witchblade. Pot movies usually get a 1 from me, but the effort put into the gore effects really won me over. I give it 2 Black Forest joints out of 5 power company really wants you to know they care.

Stars Molly C. Quinn (from Castle), Michael Welch

Grumpy Cat’s Worst Christmas Ever (2014)

image credit: mylifetime.com
image credit: mylifetime.com

The Lifetime advertised plot is that Grumpy Cat is lonely while living in a mall pet store, having been returned by numerous shoppers, until a young girl takes notice. The reality is Grumpy Cat is pretty damn satisfied living in the pet store and only gets involved with the girl because not getting involved would mean more effort. I can totally understand Grumpy Cat’s point of view.

My guess is this movie wouldn’t have been made if Aubrey Plaza wasn’t on board because she is the only actress that could pull off Grumpy Cat’s voice: disdain with disappointment and annoyance. The actual plot of the movie would barely make it as a made-for-tv Disney movie but the opening credits are pretty hilarious. After that I believe I mentioned that it “plummeted into awful” but there is a cute cat so it has that going for it! I give it 2 terrible pet store jokes out of 5 girls named Chrystal spelled with a “Ch” to avoid confusing her with a stripper.

Stars: Megan Charpentier, Aubrey Plaza

D.E.B.S. (2004)

The government has a secret school and agency that develops girls into secret agents. Their goal: Fight global crime!

D.E.B.S.Absurd and silly with heart D.E.B.S. never gets too serious even in it’s most dramatic moments. The story is ridiculous, the characters are ridiculous, really everything is ridiculous but it is lighthearted and full of charm.  I give it 4 plaid force fields out of 5 narcissistic sociopaths and victimized girl-childs.

Also: Jordana Brewster has amazing eyebrows.

Stars: Sara Foster, Jordana Brewster, Meagan Good

Fibbage (PS4)

Fibbage
image credit: jackboxgames.com

Fibbage is a 2-8 player game played with the Sony PS4 and your smartphone/computer/tablet. The Fibbage game asks obscure questions and you and your friends make up plausible answers. If your lie is picked you get points. If you pick the truth you also get points.

In our experience the game is best played with 4 people or more. There is a time limit to creating lies and picking answers which helps keep the game moving. If you submit the same answer as another player you both get points if that lie is picked. We haven’t seen repeat questions yet but we’ve only played about 10 games. So far everyone has really enjoyed playing and for $6.99 it is a great party game for a great price. I give it 4 fart noises out of 5 drunkenly misspelled words.

Total Recall (2012)

Is it a dream or is it real? Or is it a mediocre remake of a mediocre 1990’s film?

Total Recall
image credit: sonypictures.com

Devoid completely of character development (because who needs that when you have explosions!) we are led to believe Douglas Quaid is possibly a spy (or possibly not) after going to Rekall, the company that makes up memories like, well, being a spy. Kate Beckinsale looks angry and kicks some ass while Colin Farrell has a look of complete surprise on his face for the whole film. Stupid but entertaining. I give it 3 triple-breasted prostitutes out of 5 bad CGI hover-car chases.

Stars Colin Farrell, Kate Beckinsale, Jessica Biel

Upstream Color (2013)

Upstream Color follows two people who struggle with their identity after being abducted and mind controlled with an unknown substance. Kind of.

upstream color
image credit: erbpfilm.com

This is a like it or hate it film that some may call mysterious, intense, suspenseful, boring, or pretentious. Devoid of much dialog this film uses an unconventional sound track both as part of the story and the viewer’s backdrop. Intentional or not, understanding what is really going on is difficult but the journey is oddly interesting. I give it 3 hypnotizing meal worms out of 5 pig people.

Stars Amy Seimetz, Shane Carruth

A Million Ways to Die in the West (2014)

Guy falls for girl (or the other way around, or both ways) in an old west comedy.

image credit: universalpictures.com
image credit: universalpictures.com

The old west is typically romanticized as this fun adventure time with shooting, booze, and lawless shenanigans. Seth McFarlane set out to make the same thing except with some honesty about daily life there. Many people were offended by the portrayals of, well, everyone really which probably contributed to the movie’s poor box office, but part of the point of the movie was to show the old west isn’t that great because of things like racism and disease. Parts of it are hilarious, parts of it are genuinely a decent love story, and parts are poorly paced. I give it 3 roof sheep out of 5 butt flowers.

Stars: Seth McFarlane, Charlize Theron, Amanda Seyfriend, Liam Neeson.