American Pie Presents: Band Camp or Crappy Moviemaking 101

There are a couple kinds of direct to video movies these days. The best are the ones that are very independent or niche films. Others are deemed to simply not be good enough to hack it in the theater world even though there are countless titles that are of the same or lower quality. Then there are those that never had aspirations of making it into the theater, many of these are direct to video sequels that are simply going through the motions to squeeze out more cash from fans of the original movie(s). American Pie Presents: Band Camp falls to the rotting pit of that last category. If the makers of this movie even thought for a single moment that it should have a theatrical release, they should do the world a favor and drink a bottle of Drano.

I am a big fan of the original trilogy, and to call American Pie Presents: Band Camp a sequel is wrong on so many levels. The writer, director and producer had nothing to do with the previous films. Aside from appearances by Eugene Levy (Jim’s Dad) and Chris Owen (Chuck ‘The Shermanator’ Sherman) this movie has no real connection to the other films aside from some Hollywood suits that have the creativity of a crack head gnat.

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Wicked Prayer

This is a spoileriffic review because I don’t really think anyone else should have to suffer through this pile of crap again. That is unless you have a lot of alcohol handy and don’t have any peeling paint to eat, or don’t have a spork handy to give yourself a lobotomy with. Wicked Prayer is the 4th Crow movie and was released directly to video, just like the last Crow movie. And like the two sequels before it, it is no where near as good as the original and it now appears they aren’t even trying.

Wicked Prayer takes place on an Indian reservation somewhere out west, I don’t think they really say and frankly it doesn’t really matter. At one point the reservation was home to some sort of mining industry, but the Tribal Council decided that opening a casino was better for them since it didn’t stink the place up like the mining did. Those who worked in the mines were pissed off about losing their jobs and the fact that they weren’t allowed into the casino because they didn’t know how to use a shower or a bar of soap – but that really isn’t important either. Continue reading “Wicked Prayer”

Four Brothers

Four Brothers is about four brothers who are trying to avenge the murder of their adoptive mother. None of the brothers are brothers by blood, instead these brothers are merely brothers through their adoptive mother who liked to take disenfranchised youths and give them a second chance. Only four managed to be lucky enough to be brothers, but again they are merely brothers by legal adoption and not brothers by blood or bothers in the sense of a brotherhood of friendship.Did I mention they were brothers? I certainly hope so because this was obviously so important that the movie makers felt it necessary to remind us over and over and over again that these guys were brothers. Apparently we are too stupid to remember the name of the film. You could have a drinking game every time Markey Mark Wahlberg says “That’s my brother!” or “These are my brothers!” or “You’re my brother!” or some equally cheesy line with the word brother slapped in there somewhere. Read more for more of the word “brother”…

This movie was directed by John Singleton whose early work were remarkable films like Boyz in tha Hood and Poetic Justice. Lately he’s been making movies that I like to drink beer while watching like this and 2 Fast 2 Furious. Our four brothers are the previously mentioned Markey Mark Wahalberg, who plays the loose cannon leader, Tyrese Gibson makes what is at least his third appearance in a John Singleton film as the playa, Andre Benjamin (aka Andre 3000 from Outkast) plays the responsible brother and some other guy plays the brother you know won’t be alive when the credits roll.

Our happy little story is a tried and true story. Someone gets killed, family of said dead person comes back to avenge the death only to find some powerful person behind the scenes and have to take him out. We can’t blame the crappy story on Singleton, because he didn’t write it, but we can blame the piss poor acting on him. I’d blame the actors, but I’ve seen enough of their other movies to know they can do far better than that. So I’ll blame singleton since he apparently like over the top bad acting.

I really wanted to like this movie, but it failed to live up to even the lowest of my expectations. The gun battle at the house was probably the highlight of the film, and that isn’t saying much. Maybe had I put away a few beers before watching this, I’d have liked it better.

The bad acting was the least of this movie’s problems. Our writers need to go back to film school and learn to develop their plot and not just have the movie plod along. The movie takes place in Detroit. I don’t care how much of a loose cannon you are, but when a scruffy white guy goes into a high school gym in Detroit and waves a gun around, he’s going to get shot at least fifteen times. The movie plods along okay at first, but once they find the thugs who killed their mother it just goes downhill. The thugs are inexplicably killed without being questioned and we are just told afterward that they knew they were hired killers and hired killers don’t talk. Yet, the evil criminal mastermind behind the whole thing is suddenly after them and their method of foiling him had me scratching my head.

Bottom line is this is a craptacular movie. It had promise, but fell well short of anything that could even be considered decent outside of a crappy action movie you’d drink beer while watching.

Catwoman

Watch out Space Cowboys, there is a new sheriff in town and she’s looking to move into your territory! Catwoman is threatening your title as blarbles.com’s worst movie reviewed. Can Catwoman really take the crown away from the old men in space? Read more to find out the details.

I am almost at a loss for words.

Almost.

At 85 million dollars this movie should have been at least mediocre, but it missed mediocre by about ten miles. If Mystery Science Theatre 3000 was still around Catwoman would be a perfect movie for the crew to take on, filled with bad dialog, acting, plot, and special effects– all things that make up a great MST3K episode.

Plot? What plot? Okay it had a plot, but it would have been better without one. A cosmetics company wants to release an evil product that makes people look beautiful forever unless they stop using it!

MY GOD!

Resident Evil had a similar plot. Umbrella Corporation made an anti-aging drug and tried to cover up its flaws. The difference? Umbrella’s drug turned people into flesh eating zombies and the evil cosmetics company from Catwoman made people’s faces really flaky and gave them headaches.

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