That 70’s Show series finale

That 70’s Show premiered in 1998 on FOX promising to be a sitcom like no other! A sitcom about the 70’s taking place in the 70s! Actually there were a lot of those, but what sets That 70’s Show apart from the others is it made fun of itself, included pot smoking circles, and far more progressive characters as a whole than many of the actual 70’s sitcoms. I watched the first two seasons and parts of the third before I stopped because of SROWLOTCS (Sudden Realization Of Wasting Life On This Crap Syndrome). Six seasons later I sat down to watch the final episode of the series mostly because it just happened to be on TV at the time.

It turned out that it was the final two episodes. Fox pitched it as a one-hour finale, but in reality it was two shows (complete with the opening and end credits) played back to back. Even worse the second to last episode was a recap/memories show. I hate those. In fact I don’t know anyone who likes that crap. I should have known because it was called “The Final Goodbye”, ugh. The actual last episode, titled “Love of my Life” was almost as bad as the recap show.

Someone somewhere felt the need to wrap up everything, and I mean everything, on the final episode of That 70’s Show. As you might guess from the title of the episode their main focus was relationships that occurred over the last 8 seasons. Eric Forman, played by Topher Grace, left the show at the beginning of the previous season followed by Ashton Kutcher, leaving a cast that seemed unbalanced. You also lost ongoing sexual tension between Donna (played by Laura Prepon) and Eric. The producers attempted to replace Eric with “Randy” played by some guy I have never seen before. He didn’t have the innocence or acting skills of Topher, but they tried to make something happen between him and Donna. It didn’t work, and came to a crashing end at the beginning of the last episode where Randy tells Donna she’s the love of his life and she says no she’s not and it’s over in 10 seconds. Quality writing there.

We move on in the episode and find that Red (Kurtwood Smith) really isn’t always a hard ass and finally, after 8 years, he affectionately shows his love for his wife Kitty (Debra Jo Rupp). Awww, how fucking predictable and redundant. If you didn’t see the love for his wife and family shine through in the last 8 seasons then you might have needed this resolution, but the other 99% of us could have done without. Red and Kitty decide to stay in Wisconsin instead of moving to Florida because they just can’t leave the place where their children grew up. Craptacular.

Next is Hyde’s (Danny Masterson) wrap up. One of his many fathers sells all his record stores to a Laundromat company including the one Hyde works at. As if it were a Mack truck coming at us at 2 MPH we find out with little surprise Hyde’s father has given the record store to Hyde. Oh happy joy!

Kelso has no resolution, he just comes back for comedy relief and saves the show from being complete crap. Fez (Wilmer Valderrama) and Jackie (Mila Kunis) get (back) together with the help of Fez’s friend from his “home country” which we still don’t figure out. Fez of course decides to stay in the USA instead of going back home.

Finally we come to Donna. Once Randy is gone she decides to finally leave her home town and venture into the world. About freak’n time. She was always pushed as one of the smartest and most progressive so it just makes sense she’d finally leave small town Wisconsin and move on to something greater. But no! A surprise announcement: Eric is coming home from teaching in Africa! Despite Topher saying the show was “getting lame”, someone must have slipped him an extra couple million to make an appearance in the last episode. Donna and Eric back together again! Is that really what fans wanted? Probably, but it felt forced while being ridiculously predictable at the same time.

The one thing the show creators got right were the final moments of 1979 on New Years Eve. The show cuts to the license plate with the “’80” registration tag and it’s over. Luckily That 80’s Show was a complete flop otherwise we might have seen some of the 70’s characters show up in it.

Maybe the fans got what they wanted, but the characters all got screwed for it. Everyone except Kelso are stuck in their crappy Wisconsin town. Donna obviously changes her mind about leaving town, Eric decides teaching in Africa isn’t for him anymore, Fez decides to stay in the United States with Jackie, and Hyde is an owner of a local record shop. Everyone is basically back where they started in the beginning of the series. Everything that happened over eight seasons was negated and everyone is still stuck in the same damn place doing the same crap they hated just a few seasons ago. Don’t people want to move on? Don’t audiences want to see other people move on?

Obviously not.

Aeon Flux

Let me point out that I saw not one episode of Aeon Flux when they first aired on MTV back in 1991 and I have only seen bits and pieces since then. So when you read the part where I say “why does Sithandra have hands for feet; that is dumb” and you get all pissed because “it was in the cartoon” just think of it this way: sometimes things in cartoons and books and comics are really stupid in live action. Hands for feet is one of them. When I saw trailers for Aeon Flux I knew it was going to be bad, so bad in fact that I insisted that Ultraviolet couldn’t be even close to as bad. Boy was I wrong.

Before I go any farther can I just ask: what the fuck is this outfit?

The only thing I can figure is Charlize Theron was given a wide selection of nylons to wear for the scene, but instead of just picking one she took them all, putting them on her legs, arms, and in a fit of insanity one over her head, cutting a hole just big enough for her mouth and nose but strangely ignoring the fact that her vision is impaired with the setup. I can’t even imagine how itchy that outfit is. Clothes in the future apparently all have to be spandex with nylon highlights. They also seem to have the requirement of being completely inappropriate or pointless in all situations. Example 1: Aeon Flux sneaks around at night on a covert mission, but she’s wearing pure white. Not just a white shirt, she is covered in a white bodysuit. Not what I would call common sense. Example 2: The “Keeper” wears what appears to be a funnel dress. There is a giant hole on top with the edges expanding up near his mouth. It is designed such that he would probably drown if it suddenly rained really hard. Note also he is on a blimp with no one else, why does he wear a clearly uncomfortable outfit?

Enough with the outfits and on to the story! Supposedly humans have retreated to a city walled in by twenty-foot high cement walls and automatic pesticide sprayers because nature is evil. We get a taste of the “horrors” of nature when Aeon and her special hand friend, Sithandra, “rush” in broad daylight a government building. It is protected by some fruit that shoots needles and grass that is razor sharp! Exciting. Anyway the whole point of the movie is rebels want to overthrow the government and to do this they decide the head-honcho Trevor Goodchild, played by Marton Csokas, must die. Aeon is sent in to do the dirty work.

I want to point out that I was never really convinced the government needed to be overthrown. They make a few comments about people going missing, but the setup is so weak you basically are thrown into the story and filmmakers must be just hoping you’ll go with the flow. Johnny Lee Miller, playing Oren Goodchild (also known as “Crash Override” or “Zero Cool”, which ever you think is more retarded) tries to stop his brother from curing humanity’s infertility because he wants to live forever. As a side note apparently when you are cloned you maintain all your past life memories even though the clones start as children. Figure that one out.

While you do that can I point out that we get to the end of the movie and discover several things [spiolers until the end]:

First, they are cloning people because no one can have babies, yet it turns out people have mutated and now they can have babies on their own except Oren’s goons are killing all the pregnant women. The only reason for this is because Trevor’s brother, Zero Cool, wants to live forever (where I started singing “Who wants to live forever…“). That is what we call poor plot justification. I could make some Highlander jokes here, but Aeon Flux deserves them more than the immortal sword wielders.

Second: The blimp that holds all the DNA gets blow’d up by Aeon only to crash into one of the outer walls. Suddenly everyone realizes nature isn’t so bad. There are pretty trees and stuff out there! Gee, maybe someone should looked over the wall every couple hundred years?

Third: After getting her ass kicked by Aeon, Sithandra decides not to kill Aeon and aborts the entire plan they’ve worked on for years just because Aeon asks nicely. Yeah, okay, no.

Fourth: When you see bike helmet bad guys you know they are going to die. You also know only four stunt people are playing 32 different roles in the movie.

It is probably pointless to bring this up now, but acting is poor by nearly everyone. Aeon is supposed to be super mysterious and alluring yet she comes off as bored more than anything. Johnny Lee Miller’s delivery of lines seems forced. Maybe the director threatened him with spandex if he tried to leave the movie? Marton Csokas comes in first for best acting, but that isn’t saying much when most of the other characters have facial expressions of people who all had botox accidents and give delivery of lines seemingly half asleep.

There is no point to anything when the movie reaches its end. Humans don’t need to live in walled-in cities because apparently nature isn’t out to get them anymore. Humans don’t need to clone because they’ve become fertile again all on their own. The rebels don’t need to overthrow the government because it turns out the leader wasn’t a douche after all. Finally, you don’t need to watch the movie because as it turns out there is no point to any of the story lines, the acting is sub par, the clothes are ridiculous, and Crash Override never “hacks the planet” as promised.