Apocalypto, Troll, The Hand that Rocks the Cradle

The Quotes:

Apocalypto: It was in Mayan and we turned off the subtitles and I don’t understand Mayan so I have no quotes for you.

Troll: “Ratburgers!”

The Hand that Rocks the Cradle: “The Better Day Society helps place the mentally disabled with employment.  I live there.”

The Review:

Look, sometimes, for whatever reason, you don’t finish watching a movie.  There can be a number of reasons for this, like you fall asleep, or something more interesting happened like a naked person entered the room wanting sex, or Brad Pitt showed up (for any reason), or you lost power, or the world ended, or the movie really sucked, or you turned off the subtitles and couldn’t bear to watch another second of people speaking in Mayan.

Each of these three reviewed movies fits into one of the above reasons.  We did not finish watching any of these yet I am still reviewing them, which isn’t very fair but I really don’t care.

Apocalypto:

  • Number of minutes before we fast forwarded to the end: 4
  • Percentage of plot I figured out from the title, and segments watched: 0%
  • The Review: Uh, so like these guys are in the woods and they kill an animal to eat and some stuff happens that I’m sure is extremely important to the Mayans somehow?  It’s a timeless story of loss, bravery, betrayal, and bonding.
  • Reason for stopping the movie: We did not have English subtitles on.  There was also beer.

Troll:

  • Number of minutes before we turned the movie off: 10
  • Percentage of plot I figured out from the title, and segments watched: 65%
  • The Review: This family’s little girl gets eaten/turns into a troll who then craves ratburgers like you wouldn’t believe!  Troll is a timeless story of loss, bravery, betrayal, and bonding!
  • Reason for stopping the movie: The horrid ten minute conversation on the ground floor of the apartment building while the fire alarm was going off.  There was also beer.

The Hand that Rocks the Cradle:

  • Number of minutes before we turned the movie off: 15
  • Percentage of the plot I figured out from the title, and segments watched: 100%
  • The Review: Some lady gets felt up by her doctor and she tattles on him and he commits suicide leaving his evil wife to infiltrate and destroy their family as revenge.  Rocks the Cradle is a timeless story of loss, bravery, betrayal, and bonding!
  • Reason for stopping the movie: It was incredibly dull and we figured out exactly how it was going to end from just 10 minutes of the movie.  The thought of actually watching it play out was not appealing.  There was also beer.

What you should take away:

Don’t add an option to watch the movie without subtitles because drunk people are going to pick that one thinking it would be funny to make up their own dialog only to end up turning it off for another movie because watching period films in a foreign language with no subtitles while drinking beer sucks.

Also if your movie hinges on a troll and is called Troll and you show the troll in the first three minutes and the troll looks like a reject puppet from an elementary school play then you’ve got a problem on your hands.

Also if Ernie Hudson is in the movie and asks to hold a newborn and the white family says “that’s probably not a good idea” it comes off as racist no matter what you were really intending –  even if Ernie plays a mentally handicapped man.  He can build a freaking fence for Christ’s sake, why can’t he hold a baby?

Also we finally learn how ‘Q’ from Star Trek Next Generation was started.  He was a pervert doctor who shot himself!

Also trolls like ratburgers!

The Rating:

It would be incredibly unfair to rate them all at once, let alone rate them at all but here it goes anyway, for all three movies combined (Apocalypto and Hand that Rocks can blame Troll for this score):

Nintendo preparing new hardware

With the success of the Wii, Nintendo is working hard on their next console.  Here are my predictions for the next Nintendo console:

  1. 4 Game Cubes = a Nintendo Sii!!!There will be no support for HD out of the box.  You will be expected to buy a special cable that will be extremely hard to find and if you are really lucky and the stars align just right and Nintendo does not go ultra cheap you might maybe just possibly get 720p, but my money is still on 480p.
  2. It will still not have a hard drive.  The new console will have a memory slot and you’ll be able to save your Mii Version 2’s on flash cards, but games like Rock Band will still require you to buy another disc for new songs, and no one will bother to make additional add-on content because it is such a pain in the ass.
  3. In an attempt to keep all the casual users hooked they will include motion control in the next console, but in an effort to be new and exciting they’ll forgo the controller and have a motion tracking camera called SiiMii that will work poorly because a $250 console isn’t going to be able to include a military-grade motion tracking camera.  The camera will require players to draw large red dots on their foreheads to properly track them.  Special markers for this will be sold exclusively at Game Stop.
  4. The media will be based off DVD technology, however we will either get square, triangle, or star shaped discs, just because.
  5. They will finally have support for mulitplayer gaming from 3rd party developers, however they’ll dumb it down so much that you won’t be able to see friends, join games based on certain attributes, chat, see stats, or setup rules for your own multiplayer match.  You will click a large button that says “PLAY ONLINE” and it will connect.  You will be teamed up with whoever Nintendo feels like and you will be promptly disconnected when the game is done.
  6. Widescreen games will be allowed but to avoid alienating retirement home gamers with square TVs developers will be required to make all their games 4×3 and then either crop to widescreen or stretch the image for widescreen TV owners.
  7. 2 years after the console’s release they will announce SiiMii-2, the replacement motion tracking camera that does a better job at camera motion tracking.  Developers will throw up their hands and start canceling game projects.
  8. The top selling games will be Super Mario Monkey Tree Farm, Mario and Friends Super Party Game Pack, Mario Kart Kollision Kaper (which will quickly become known as Mario KKK and will be renamed to Mario Diversity and Friendship Kart), Zelda and the Lost Hardcore Gamers, and 6 other games with Nintendo characters in the name.  There will be a total of 490 party games released for this console.
  9. They will start with a console name like Nintendo Fuse or Nintendo Ultra but end up naming it the Nintendo Sii (pronounced “see” as in it has a motion tracking camera that can see you).

Look for your Nintendo Sii sold out at a store near you sometime in 2010!

Grosse Pointe Blank

10 YEARS MAN! 10 YEARS!

The Quote:

“A thousand innocent people get killed every day! But a millionaire’s pet gets detonated, and you’re marked for life.”

The Review:

Martin Blank (John Cusack), a professional hit man is sent to Grosse Pointe on a job where his ten-year high school reunion just happens to be taking place.  Former prom dates (played by Minnie Driver), competing hit men (Dan Aykroyd), assassins looking for revenge (Benny Urquidez), high school friends (Jeremy Piven), and government agents (Hank Azaria and Todd Freeman) all converge on this Detroit suburb at the same time.

I don’t say this much, but there is very little wrong with this movie.  Great acting, fantastic cast, intelligent story, the comedy is spot on, the romantic story line is perfectly balanced, the action is exciting but not over the top, good suspense, the music rocks, and even when you know the big secret of the movie you still come back to watch it again and again.  There is always something new I catch on each subsequent viewing, and it is the subtle details that that raise this movie to greatness.

The only problem?  Audiences.  How was this movie a flop in the theaters?  Coming in at number 4 opening week against The Saint (out for two weeks), Liar Liar (one week), and Anaconda (new that week) which pulled in 16 million.  Seriously people… Anaconda?

What you should take away:

Getting almost your entire family to work in your movie will possibly save you money, but if you’re like most families it might end up costing more in the end from all your high blood pressure medication.

Also if asked to join an assassins union or club it might be wise to say yes unless you’re really really good at what you do.

Also placing your weapon inside a brown bag is an excellent way to stealthily carry it around with you.

Also you can never go home, but at least you can shop there.

The Rating:

Batman Returns

The Quote:

“I don’t know what you want, but I know I can get it for you, with a minimum of fuss! Money, jewels, a very big ball of string.”

The Review:

After the success of Batman, a sequel was green lit, but this time instead of the villain stealing the show we end up wondering who the main villain is supposed to be.  We are presented with Penguin (Danny DeVito) the deformed sewer man, Cat Woman (Michelle Pfeiffer) crazed possibly brain damaged woman with a cat fetish, and Max Shreck (Christopher Walken) corrupt business man looking to suck the city’s power away.  Who is Batman (Michael Keaton) supposed to be focusing on?  At one point all three villains are working together, the next they’re fighting each other.  Gotham didn’t need Batman, the city just had to wait a few weeks and the villains would have killed each other.

I can’t hate this movie despite the return of an ultra-dull Keaton, the failed attempt to create another epic villain with Penguin, the botched effort to make Max Shreck into a serious foe for Batman, the muddled relationship between Selina and Bruce Wayne, Shreck and Penguins dumb plan for taking over the city, and the epically stupid ending (an idea only a 13 year old boy or drunken cocktail scribbles could rival).

Catwoman they got right, however.  She’s a chaotic neutral character with fringes of good, evil, and insane in her personality, perfectly developed into someone you love to see terrorize the city’s people and villains alike.  Batman lumbers around in his 55 lbs bulletproof suit scared to show himself or expose his real skin, you could almost call him a coward compared to Catwoman.  She can nimbly run circles around Batman, fight anyone Batman fights just as effectively, and all in vinyl raincoat material which, at best, might stop her from getting wet.  Alas, Catwoman, in all her greatness is unable to fully bring Batman Returns out of the depths of Penguins sewer.

What you should take away:

If you plan to destroy the city with hundreds penguins strapped with missiles you should probably have an abort button.

Also if you plan to write a plot that involves hundreds of penguins strapped with missiles you should probably go back and re-write your whole script.

Also if the bad guys can get into your armored and highly sophisticated bat-mobile with a modified garage opener you might want to beef up your car’s security system.

Also Danny DeVito != Jack Nicholson.

Also if you have trouble getting your dress to fit just right have it vacuumed sealed on like Michelle Pfeiffer did with her Catwoman suit!

The Rating:

Cobra

The Quote:

“Kill all humans!”

“This is where the law stops and I start – sucker!”

The Review:

The world comes under siege from ten unstoppable robots mistakenly collected together during a fashion photo shoot.  The robots, intentionally distributed throughout the world, were never intended to be brought together in a single room.  This accidental gathering triggered their RFID enabled microchips bringing them to life and setting them all on one mission: Destroy the human race!

Lieutenant Marion ‘Cobra’ Cobretti (Sylvester Stallone) is the humans one last chance for survival and must battle the fashion robots, including their leader Toaster Oven 9000 (known as T-9000) who’s toaster oven compartment on his chest enables him to make some of the finest toasted-cheese sandwiches ever created thus luring many unsuspecting humans to their death.

The battle rages as Cobra struggles to destroy even the weakest of the robots, TGO-666 (also known as The Girly One #666).  It’s long stringy arms and legs make it difficult for the TGO-666 to even stand up let alone fight, but Cobra’s continued use of a MAC-10 machine gun, well known for its terrible accuracy, saves the TGO-666 from destruction at every turn.

The movie ends with the human body count in the hundreds of thousands and Cobra cornered in a metal refinery (ironically the same one from Terminator 2).  As the robots push him further inside and running out of room to flee he says his greatest line “This is where the law stops and I start -sucker!” just before he dives into the molten metal killing himself and dooming the world to be taken over by fashion robots and our new world dictator-robot Toaster Oven 9000!

The end.

At least that’s how I would have made the movie.  In reality its about a no-rules cop who fights a gang of… oh who cares.  The movie sucked ass.

What you should take away:

No matter how ridiculous, no matter how stupid, no matter how insane, if you’ve got a super tight-knit gang of thirty dual-axe-wielding serial killers, they’ll fight to the death to kill a witness who really didn’t see anything because she was so worried about having been splashed with water on her awesome permed hair.

Also if your permed hair does get wet you are required to stay in the hospital overnight for observation.  Wet permed hair is serious.

Also if your name is Cobra and you’re not wearing leather pants then you fail.

Also if your name is Cobra and you’re not driving a 1950’s Mercury in 1986 then you fail.

Also if your name is Cobra and you don’t have a picture of a snake on your hand-gun then you fail.

The Rating:

(If it was made like my version it would easily be 7/7)

Batman Begins

The Quote:

“Well, a guy who dresses up like a bat clearly has issues.”

The Review:

Ninjas!  WHaaaa!

Bruce Wayne (Christian Bale) falls apart emotionally after his parents death, barely holding his life together part way through college until he jumps ship to China where he is eventually asked to join the “League of Shadows” and become a ninja.

Clearly this has happened to most of us, but what sets his story apart from me and you is his return to Gotham to fight crime and become Batman!

This star studded cast including Michael Caine as Alfred, Liam Neeson as Henri Ducard, Gary Oldman as Jim Gordon, and Morgan Freeman as Lucius Fox are fantastic.  Even Rutger Hauer is in the film!

Then there is Rachel Dawes, played by Katie Holmes.  She often speaks in Batman Begins but it sounds a lot like “blah blah blah” each time.  She maintains the same expression on her face for most of the movie regardless of what is going on and when you do hear words she sounds extremely pretentious.  Rachel is dull and solidly puts herself in the “DO NOT WANT!” column after giving a convoluted speech at the end which took three viewings to full comprehend.  I’ll summarize it for those of you who were also confused by it:

  • Dear Batman, you are weird.  You used to be hot, but now you’re not that rich prick I once knew and you’re all into bats and shit which is, like, a total turn off, so, uh, if you ever decide to go back to being that preppy douchebag call me.  Otherwise, don’t ever talk to me again.

Aside from Captain Rachel Dull the movie is a fantastic re-visioning of the Batman story.  The characters are carefully developed, the plot and action are very good as well.  Plus ninjas! WHaaaa!

What you should take away:

If you have to climb a mountain in the middle of China to bring a hallucinogenic flower to a place the League of Shadows calls their home and once you get there the building is filled with explosives and ninjas then it’s a pretty good bet that they’re not the altruistic good guys you thought they were when you started the journey.

Also if the ninjas in the movie were real you would never see them because ninjas cannot be seen!

Also no matter how sane you claim to be and how convinced your friends are that the bat makes for a good frightening symbol, if you wear a suit with little pointy ears you are a little off your rocker.

The Rating:

Batman

The Quote:

“This town needs an enema!”

The Review:

A movie named Batman can only be about one thing right?  A quirky superhero named Batman (Michael Keaton) who is out to keep Gotham City safe from criminals.  At least that’s what everyone thought before they saw the movie, but it turns out they were all wrong.  Completely wrong.  Okay not completely, Batman is in the movie, but once you see the film you realize the movie is all about the Joker (Jack Nicholson) instead.

Keaton plays Batman low-key.  Very low-key.  You are never really sure what Batman is thinking, if he cares about what is going on, or what he might be feeling.  He’s dull, unsure of himself, and awkward around women.

The Joker, on the other hand, knows what he wants and how he wants to get it.  He is confident around women and even when engaging in mass murder he is more personable than Batman.  By the end of the film you are wondering “do I really want Batman to kill Joker?” because that would mean the end of the most interesting personality in the film.

The funny part is I think the film-makers knew Batman was a dud.  The hero goes through the whole movie executing failed plan after plan to rid the city of Joker with his last effort involving his bat-jet, equipped missiles and machine gun, soaring down out of the sky straight for the Joker.  I’ll point out the bat-jet has a freaking weapon guidance system as well.

Joker is defiant in the street, daring Batman to end his life as the explosions and bullets rain down around him.  The smoke clears and Joker is left standing, unharmed.  He pulls out a revolver (granted a large revolver, but still a fucking hand gun) and shoots once hitting the bat-jet which spirals out of control and crashes into the street while you’re left thinking:

“Batman is such a tool.”

What you should take away:

When a crazy man, who recently murdered a large number of people, says “Hubba, hubba, hubba! Money, money, money! Who do you trust? Me? I’m giving away free money” and starts throwing money out into the street, know that there will likely be consequences for everyone in the end.

Also truly epic villains will go through all the effort to make bizarre floats and blimps just before they destroy the entire city.

Also the only way to properly destroy a TV is to use a boxing glove attached to a spring loaded metal arm.

The Rating: (this is all for you, Jack)

Red Dawn

The Quote:

“WOLVERINES!”

The Review:

In 1984 NATO collapses and, according to movie commentator in Red Dawn, no reason is given, but I can tell you why you Capitalistic fools: NATO is bully organization created to oppress people all over world under guise of “freedom” and “democracy”.  NATO realized error of its way and disbanded leaving only  foolish United States to continue to push their pathetic agenda!  The only way to stop them, the only way to save world was for Mother Russia to invade (++Cuba).

When you attack nation you start at heart.  You start where President Ronald Regan proclaimed “the future” is.  You start with the children because, as it is so popular to say in U.S.A., the children are the future.

Mother Russia attacks high school and you laugh, but once you watch Red Dawn you see why: Jed (Patrick Swayze), Robert (C. Thomas Howell), Danny (Brad Savage) and Matt (Charlie Sheen) become terrorist rebels trampling on basic human rights, pretending to defend democracy and freedom in a land they stole from Native Americans two-hundred years prior.  While they fight for this freedom they, at same time, form elite military squad called the Wolverines that has only values of oppressive dictatorship.

While watching Red Dawn you will see what future of America is, you see these are people who do not listen to reason.  They live like animals and laugh as they kill Russian and Cuban soldiers with family.  They are terrorist who drink blood of animals and would rather see their parents gunned down than peaceful surrender.  They murder their own, Daryl (Darren Dalton), simply because he had common sense to see through American lies.

The Wolverines final suicide mission destroys their very own town leaving hundreds dead, infrastructure destroyed, and hospital unusable.  What happens in end after nearly every Russian and Cuban is dead or dying?  Compassion.  Colonel Ernesto Bella chooses not to kill Jed as he carries off brother who had accidentally been hit by stray bullet, likely from Wolverines very own weapons!

What you should take away:

When invading a capitalistic swine high school be sure to capture each and every student because if you don’t they run into mountain and become terrorist.

Also people don’t carry picnic baskets anymore, so if you see someone with one, run.  It is bomb and is about to go off… probably at a Soviet-American friendship center.

Also did you know communism allows for all people to share resources?  No one goes hungry, no one is homeless and everyone is taken care of.

Also did you know capitalism breeds greed, selfishness, and hate?

Also long live Mother Russia!

The Rating:

5 Out of 5 Hammer and Sickles

(Editors note: Dear Vladimir, Chuck Norris will kick your commie ass! –Charlie)

Cloverfield

The Quote:

“It’s eating people.”

The Review:

Blair Witch meets Godzilla, but better… kind of.  Cloverfield follows a handful of twenty-something party goers as they celebrate at a going away party for Rob Hawkins (Michael Stahl-David), but get caught up in something bigger.  Something involving large amounts of CGI!

Casting a fairly unknown group of actors I thought was key in making the characters seem a bit more real  instead of superhumans we expect Bruce Willis or other action stars to play.  It also throws you off a bit to who will and won’t be killed off or when.

On the negative side there is the constant hand-held/steadicam camera work which never ceases.  When you mix that with Hud’s (T.J. Miller) non-stop commentary it starts to grind on your nerves.  I can’t imagine watching the movie a second time because the mystery of what is going on no longer is there to distract you from your motion sickness.

What you should take away:

If you are most certainly going to be killed by a 40-story monster from outer-space be sure to film the whole thing for the enjoyment of everyone else later.

Also basic rule of alien attacks: If the military is going one way (and not retreating) you should go the opposite direction.

Also no matter what the police, military or your friends say, do not get on the bridge.

Also if your girlfriend is not dead after her building fell over (that she was in), then she’s probably badly injured and likely will be dead soon or slow you down to the point where you’ll be dead soon as well… but considering you’ll be dead a little bit later than soon anyway you might as well go see her.  I mean why die with some stranger on a bridge [see above] when you could die with your true-love/sex partner/some girl?

Also if no one is in the subway, you might consider leaving instead of assuming you were the only person out of 1.6 million that thought it was a good idea to use the subway to avoid the monster.

The Rating:

Invasion U.S.A.

The Quote:

“If you come back in here, I am gonna hit you with so many rights you are going to beg for a left.”

The Review:

Matt Hunter (Chuck Norris) saves America with only two friends: His right fist and his left fist (and Uzi’s)(and Rocket Launchers)!  This one-man army can’t be stopped as he tears through thousands, no hundreds of thousands, no millions, no gabillions of terrorists causing terror and terrifying patriotic terrorized Americans!

Hunter uses all the tools in his arsenal to defeat communist terrorist scumbag criminal commie scum terrorists including negotiation, compromise, and sanctions……… ALL IN THE FORM OF ROCKET LAUNCHERS!!!!11

Invasion U.S.A. could happen for real, except we wouldn’t have anything to worry about because Chuck Norris would save us all with a roundhouse kick to the head of terrorism!

What you should take away:

If you don’t love this movie you are a American-hating communist!

Also if you haven’t seen this movie yet then you are a lousy American who still has a chance to show their red-blooded patriotism by rushing out right this second and buying this film on VHS (DVD is for commie losers)!

Also if you’re Chuck Norris, all rocket launchers are semi-automatic and never need to be reloaded!

Also if terrorists invade U.S. soil they will do so with our own WWII landing boats!

Also if you’re a criminal Chuck Norris will haunt your dreams for the rest of your life even if you don’t know who Chuck Norris is!

Also Chuck Norris can shoot two Uzi’s from the hip and hit everything dead on!

Also if Chuck Norris needs your car you give it to him because if you don’t then you are communist scum!

Also when Chuck Norris thinks of a plan, it works perfectly every time!

Also communists suck!

Also Chuck Norris is awesome!

The Rating:

Gabillion Stars