Apocalypto: It was in Mayan and we turned off the subtitles and I don’t understand Mayan so I have no quotes for you.
The Hand that Rocks the Cradle: “The Better Day Society helps place the mentally disabled with employment. I live there.”
Look, sometimes, for whatever reason, you don’t finish watching a movie. There can be a number of reasons for this, like you fall asleep, or something more interesting happened like a naked person entered the room wanting sex, or Brad Pitt showed up (for any reason), or you lost power, or the world ended, or the movie really sucked, or you turned off the subtitles and couldn’t bear to watch another second of people speaking in Mayan.
Each of these three reviewed movies fits into one of the above reasons. We did not finish watching any of these yet I am still reviewing them, which isn’t very fair but I really don’t care.
- Number of minutes before we fast forwarded to the end: 4
- Percentage of plot I figured out from the title, and segments watched: 0%
- The Review: Uh, so like these guys are in the woods and they kill an animal to eat and some stuff happens that I’m sure is extremely important to the Mayans somehow? It’s a timeless story of loss, bravery, betrayal, and bonding.
- Reason for stopping the movie: We did not have English subtitles on. There was also beer.
- Number of minutes before we turned the movie off: 10
- Percentage of plot I figured out from the title, and segments watched: 65%
- The Review: This family’s little girl gets eaten/turns into a troll who then craves ratburgers like you wouldn’t believe! Troll is a timeless story of loss, bravery, betrayal, and bonding!
- Reason for stopping the movie: The horrid ten minute conversation on the ground floor of the apartment building while the fire alarm was going off. There was also beer.
The Hand that Rocks the Cradle:
- Number of minutes before we turned the movie off: 15
- Percentage of the plot I figured out from the title, and segments watched: 100%
- The Review: Some lady gets felt up by her doctor and she tattles on him and he commits suicide leaving his evil wife to infiltrate and destroy their family as revenge. Rocks the Cradle is a timeless story of loss, bravery, betrayal, and bonding!
- Reason for stopping the movie: It was incredibly dull and we figured out exactly how it was going to end from just 10 minutes of the movie. The thought of actually watching it play out was not appealing. There was also beer.
What you should take away:
Don’t add an option to watch the movie without subtitles because drunk people are going to pick that one thinking it would be funny to make up their own dialog only to end up turning it off for another movie because watching period films in a foreign language with no subtitles while drinking beer sucks.
Also if your movie hinges on a troll and is called Troll and you show the troll in the first three minutes and the troll looks like a reject puppet from an elementary school play then you’ve got a problem on your hands.
Also if Ernie Hudson is in the movie and asks to hold a newborn and the white family says “that’s probably not a good idea” it comes off as racist no matter what you were really intending – even if Ernie plays a mentally handicapped man. He can build a freaking fence for Christ’s sake, why can’t he hold a baby?
Also we finally learn how ‘Q’ from Star Trek Next Generation was started. He was a pervert doctor who shot himself!
Also trolls like ratburgers!
It would be incredibly unfair to rate them all at once, let alone rate them at all but here it goes anyway, for all three movies combined (Apocalypto and Hand that Rocks can blame Troll for this score):