Delta Force 2: The Colombian Connection

The Quote:

“If you come back in here, I am gonna hit you with so many rights you are going to beg for a left.”

“You ain’t nothing but a chickenshit pussy asshole who lives on the misery and suffering of others.”

The Review:

Matt Hunter Scott McCoy (Chuck Norris) saves America with only two friends: His right fist and his left fist (and Uzi’s)(and Rocket Launchers)!  This one-man army can’t be stopped as he tears through thousands, no hundreds of thousands, no millions, no gabillions of terrorists Colombian drug runners causing terror and terrifying patriotic terrorized Americans!

Hunter McCoy uses all the tools in his arsenal to defeat communist Colombian terrorist drug lord scumbag criminal commie scum terrorists drug dealers including negotiation, compromise, and sanctions……… ALL IN THE FORM OF ROCKET LAUNCHERS!!!!11

Invasion U.S.A. Delta Force 2 could happened for real, except but we wouldn’t didn’t have anything to worry about because Chuck Norris would saved us all with a roundhouse kick to the head of terrorism Colombian drug lords!

What you should take away:

If you don’t love this movie you are a American-hating communist druggie!

 

Also if you haven’t seen this movie yet then you are a lousy American who still has a chance to show their red-blooded patriotism anti-drug commitmentism by rushing out right this second and buying this film on VHS (DVD is for commie druggie losers)!

 

Also if you’re Chuck Norris, all rocket launchers are semi-automatic and never need to be reloaded!

 

Also if terrorists Colombian drug dealers invade U.S. soil they will do so with our own WWII landing boats first class tickets on our airlines!

 

Also if you’re a criminal Chuck Norris will haunt your dreams for the rest of your life even if you don’t know who Chuck Norris is!

 

Also Chuck Norris can shoot two Uzi’s from the hip and hit everything dead on!

 

Also if Chuck Norris needs your car you give it to him because if you don’t then you are communist drug dealing scum druggie!

 

Also when Chuck Norris thinks of a plan, it works perfectly every time!

 

Also communists drug running Colombians suck!

 

Also Chuck Norris is awesome!

The Rating:

Gabillion Stars

Epic Short Review: Miss Congeniality 2

Ten one-liners about Miss Congeniality 2: Armed and Fabulous:

  1. William Shatner was completely wasted in this film, and I’m not talking about him being drunk.
  2. For the same amount of money the producers manged to make the original movie again but far far crappier.
  3. Diedrich Bader is no Michael Caine.
  4. Not even close.
  5. Not even in the same Universe.
  6. Miss Congeniality 2 is the definition for “Why you shouldn’t make sequels ever.”
  7. When Benjamin Bratt won’t reprise his role in your sequel you have problems.
  8. It is possible Miss Congeniality 2 was paid for by the city of Las Vegas as a lousy marketing scheme.
  9. If you look up “lazy” in the dictionary there is a picture of Miss Congeniality 2‘s writers.
  10. Anyone who paid to see this movie in the theater is owed their movie ticket plus another $500 for the two hours it wasted of their life.

The Rating:

X-Men

The Quote:

“I feel a great swell of pity for the poor fool who comes to that school… looking for trouble.”

The Review:

Rules for mutants:

  1. You must come up with a cheesy name for yourself that is in addition to your normal name like Cyclops.  If you have trouble with this part try to associate your cheesy name with your power.  For instance if your mutant power is the ability to staple more quickly than other people you could be called “The Stapler” other example names include The Bowler, Mr. Furious, The Blue Raja, The Shoveler, The Spleen… er, wait wrong movie.
  2. You have to wear a spiffy matching suit if you are a good guy.  No exceptions.
  3. Learn how to fly because it seems like nearly all the cool mutants can fly and if you are not in that special club you will get your ass kicked.
  4. You must be ultra good looking unless your name is Toad, then you are excused.

Silliness ends here.  You’ve been warned.

Comic book movies have a long history of being unpredictable in quality and often have a short shelf life.  I know there are still some die hard original Superman fans out there, but the movie with the man with a big S on his spandex is starting to show its age and I’m guessing it is not tops on the list of best comic book movies anymore.

Eight years after X-Men was released I have watched the film again and it still holds together fairly well, but to be honest I think it is also starting to show its age.  The film is made up of 15-20 X-men, but all but a handful are one-sided and frankly boring.  Rogue (Anna Paquin) and Wolverine (Hugh Jackman) obviously are the center of attention and the most interesting, along with Magneto’s (Ian McKellen) back story.  For some reason Cyclops (James Marsden) is forced to the forefront of the story even though he’s dull and his power (and I don’t care about the fucking comic) is frankly the least believable and least interesting.

The audience watching X-Men were supposed to be solidly rooting for the good mutants.  The filmmakers want audiences to see the Xavier and crew to stop Magneto’s evil plans, but the reality is, aside from trying to kill Rogue, Magneto’s speech on intolerance hits a nerve.  Senator Kelly’s speech doesn’t help the “good” X-Men’s cause; it sounds far too much like ignorant speeches we hear everyday from members of congress and pundits – granted they cover different topics, but the intolerance is still there.

Despite the filmmaker’s attemtps, I feel a certain amount of disgust with the do-good X-Men, and some pity for Magneto’s team.  Storm (Halle Berry) and Wolverine’s argument about choosing sides infuriates me.  Storm says “At least I’ve chosen a side!” to Wolverine’s question if she’s chosen the right side.  Apparently it doesn’t matter what side you choose or for what reason, just that you’ve picked a side.  What is wrong with not knowing what the right answer is?  What is wrong with being undecided or neutral?  Even though nearly nothing in this world is truly black and white or wrong and right.  For a film that shows concentration camps and draws parallels to a modern anti-mutant congress, I am disappointed filmmakers tossed away a chance to turn the film into something worth discussing and instead went for the big Hollywood finish.

What you should take away:

This review was too long.

Also Cyclops is a tool.

The Rating:

Buffy the Vampire Slayer (movie)

The Quote:

“How funky is your chicken? How loose is your goose? Our goose is totally loose!”

The Review:

By now everyone has heard of Buffy the Vampire Slayer television show and probably know a few of the rabid fans who love the seven season TV series, but many do not know of Buffy the Vampire Slayer movie that started it all, released five years prior to the TV show, staring Kristy Swanson as Buffy, Donald Sutherland as her watcher, Merrick, Luke Perry, Paul Reubens, Rutger Hauer, David Arquette, and even Hilary Swank.  Joss Whedon, creator of the TV series, wrote the movie, however the director and producers took a decidedly silly approach to his story (much to his disappointment).

Like the TV series, Buffy is the chosen vampire slayer who is trained by Merrick (briefly) to stop the vampires who attack her high school senior dance.  Nothing is taken seriously in Buffy the Vampire Slayer, with over the top death scenes, outrageous banter, cliche vampires and high school students alike, and overdone makeup jobs.  It is campy and stupid, but still a ton of fun to watch.

What you should take away:

The head vampire uses a samurai sword, however this does not mean he is a ninja or pirate.  I know, it’s confusing.

Also you can test to see if someone you know is the chosen one: First, get a big knife.  Second, throw knife at potential chosen one.  Third, they’ll catch it if they are the chosen one, if not you’ll go to jail for a long long time.

Also: OMG IT’S RUTGER HAUER!!!11ONE

Also sometimes movies miss the 80’s by 3 years, but still seem to be in the spirit of the 80’s.

The Rating:

Future Sport

The Quote:

Anything Dean Cain says in the movie!

Dean Cain!

The Review:

Future Sport stars Dean Cain!!!!! and has something to do with Hawaiians as well, but the most important thing you should know about Future Sport is that Dean Cain is in it!  Dean Cain plays an awesome Future Sport star/captain/coach who must save the universe by playing Future Sport!  Dean Cain runs up stairs, throws balls, has sex, shoots guns, rides hover boards, banters with Wesley Snipes, and gets electrocuted repeatedly!  Dean Cain!

What you should take away:

Dean Cain!

Also you can solve any intercontinental conflict if Dean Cain comes up with the solution!

Also Dean Cain was able to end people’s interest in the NFL and start a brand new sport called XFL Future Sport that everyone watches instead because he’s Dean Cain!

Also Dean Cain!

The Rating:

Candy Man

OMG! BEES!

The Quote:

“If you look in the mirror and you say his name 5 times, he’ll appear behind you breathing down your neck.”

The Review:

CANDY MAN, CANDY MAN, CANDY MAN, CANDY MAN, CANDY MAN, CANDY MAN! – Oh damn it that’s six times.

CANDY MAN, CANDY MAN, CANDY MAN, CANDY MAN! – Crap just four.

CANDY HAND, CANDY SAND, CANDY BAND, CANDY CAN, CANDY PAM! – Shit!  Why can’t I do this?

CANDY MAN, CANDY MAN, CANDY MAN, BRANDY CAN! – Bah! Where did Brandy come from!?

FLARDY BLAND… no!  CARBLIDITY GRAM… ah!  CANDY DISHES… CAR POOLING… I’ve completely lost it!

CANDY MAN, CANDY MAN, CANDY MAN, CANDY MAN, CANDY MAN!  Oh my God!  I did it!  I did it!  … Oh shit.  I didn’t do it in front of a mirror.

I give up.  I guess we’ll never know.

What you should take away:

If your horror movie takes thirty plus minutes to get to the point where someone dies you are in danger of your audiences shutting it off early and putting on Boa vs Python, which really says it all, doesn’t it.

Also WTF is up with the bees?

The Rating:

Primer

The Quote:

“Everything we’re putting into that box becomes ungrounded, and I don’t mean grounded like to the earth, I mean, not tethered.”

The Review:

You will need to watch this movie again.  I’ll wait.

Are you done?  Great.  If you think you fully understood what was going on with the second viewing then you need to go watch it a third time.  I’ll wait, but this is the last time.

All right, now that you’ve watched Primer 3 times we can finally discuss the film and you should at this point realize you are not going to easily understand the movie, even with multiple viewings.  This is not a bad thing unless you are impatient.  I liked having to sit down and try to talk through what happened in the movie with someone else.  Normally this means your movie failed, but in this case, I like that the film was not dumbed down for audiences.  It was like I was given a puzzle after the film ended.

Primer involves two engineers trying to create something, who end up creating a machine that lets them travel into the past.  We follow the two engineers as they travel again and again, but we quickly realize there is more going on than what is shown.  In fact, multiple time lines and multiple versions of each engineer turn what could have been a cliche time travel movie into something more interesting, but also far more complicated.

What you should take away:

If time travel is involved, what you see may not be reality.

Also when there are nine time lines in a single movie with only two characters you will have to watch the movie again to make sense of it all.

Also you should never watch this movie with beer.  Ever.

The Rating:

Epic Short Review: Dude Where’s My Car?

“Its mystery is only exceeded by its power” – Brilliant and life-changing words spoken by many of the characters in Dude Where’s My Car?

But what does the phrase really mean?  Let me explain.

If the Continuum Transfunctioner’s mystery goes up or down the power is always greater.

Mystery < Power

At the beginning of Dude Where’s My Car? Nothing is known about the Continuum Transfunctioner therefore its power is significant.  Since we do not even have a clue as to what the Continuum Transfunctioner does the mystery of the device is limited to your pathetic imagination.  As the movie progresses you find out more and more about the device and you expect it starts to lack mystery therefore the power must have decreased as well.

You would be wrong, of course.

The Continuum Transfunctioner’s mystery only becomes larger.  Yes, we know it destroys the Universe, and yes we know it can banish 50ft women to Hoboken NJ, but why is it able to do these things?  Who made it and for what purpose?  What else can it do?   You see now that we know more about the device, the mystery actually gets bigger which means the power has become much greater as well, so the equation remains intact and in fact becomes:

( Mystery : Mystery < ) < Power