Harold & Kumar Escape from Guantanamo

The Quote:

“Did you see that unicorn? Its horn was so shiny…”

The Review:

Harold & Kumar Escape from Guantanamo (the sequel to Harold & Kumar go to White Castle) delivers a slightly more developed story following Harold (John Cho) and Kumar (Kal Penn) as they are mistaken for terrorists by the government.  They are sent predictably to Guantanamo where they promptly escape leaving you wondering how the title was decided.  I guess Harold & Kumar win back Kumar’s former Girlfriend was too obvious.  The film could have pushed some political and social issues more, especially with the title they chose, but even the uncut version seemed toned down perhaps for wider audience acceptance.  On the other hand perhaps one shouldn’t expect too much from a movie about marijuana obsessed friends.

Neil Patrick Harris returns for the sequel (playing Neil Patrick Harris) and he continues to be one of the funniest elements of the Harold & Kumar movies.

What you should take away:

Don’t let Neil Patrick Harris take shrooms.

Also don’t let Neil Patrick Harris take shrooms.

Also don’t let Neil Patrick Harris take shrooms.

Also don’t let Neil Patrick Harris take shrooms.

Also don’t let Neil Patrick Harris take shrooms.

Also don’t let Neil Patrick Harris take shrooms.

The Rating:

Postal

The Quote:

“F.U.P the Fuck U Party. Bend over and vote.”

The Review:

This is the best Uwe Boll movie ever made… which is not saying much considering we’ve had to endure the collective crap of Bloodrayne, Alone in the Dark, In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale, and Bloodrayne 2: Deliverance.  As much as I may regret this I must admit Postal is not a terrible movie.  Yes it probably offends 95% of Americans with 4% incapable of being offend because they are too young or mentally “challenged” and 1% like me, able to take a joke.

Postal has a lot of the comedy misses, and some of it misses by a mile, but there is enough funny stuff to pull together a film (and I never in a million years thought I would say this about a Uwe Boll movie) that was not too bad.  The story is ridiculous, the characters are unbelievably over the top, the violence can be disgusting but somehow Uwe Boll has figured out a way to appeal to something inside of me.  There is little hope this will ever happen again, so enjoy the best film Uwe Boll ever made and will likely ever make: Postal.

Zack War stars as Postal Dude who you probably have not seen before unless you experienced all of Uwe Boll movies or saw Lancelot: Guardian of Time, but he actually is pretty good.  I’ve seen worse from supposedly “better” actors.  Dave Foley plays Uncle Dave and, while no acting was truly required for Postal actors, Foley managed to be entertaining throughout.

When all is said and done Postal is a fine family movie that the whole family can enjoy and/or be jointly disgusted by!

What you should take away:

Do not watch this movie if you are offended by anything.

Also I would so campaign (but not vote) for the Fuck U Party.

Also fun fact: Using a cat as a silencer does not harm the cat.

Also it turns out Uwe Boll DOES know how to do comedy (sometimes, okay rarely, but still…)

The Rating:

Bad Girls from Valley High

The Quote:

“My personal favorite is the cherry filled chocolate crucifixes at Easter time.”

The Review:

What was promised: A supernatural comedy about three Valley High girls who murdered a fellow student to keep her away from a boy.  Soon after a new transfer student from Transylvania seems to have cast a curse on the murders.

What you get: A movie that merely hints at the supernatural and goes to ridiculous lengths to explain away all the strange happenings and then botches every other aspect of it up on the way.

The reality is Bad Girls from Valley High is a curse for actors.  Four actors never made a movie after this film, two because they died, and two probably because this movie ruined their chances of ever acting again.  Made in 2003 and delayed until 2005 because of the deaths, the movie lacks polished editing or pacing, decent acting, and good jokes.

What you should take away:

Anyone can get a hold of military grade biological weapons!

Also no disrespect to Julie Benz, but the producers had you (a 30 year old) playing 17 – it really did not work.

Also you could have at least edited out the camera being bumped by one of the actors.

The Rating: