Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen opens tomorrow in theaters all across America, but because of my completely irrelevant blog I will have to review Michael Bay’s latest film without having actually seen it (no pre-screening for me). You might think this feat hard. After all don’t you have to actually see a film before reviewing it? For most movies, yes. For Michael Bay movies these days, especially Transformer movies, no.
“EEerWhurrrneeeeCLUNKEeeeeCLUNKeeeeeCLUNKwheeeeerrrrrniener” (Any Transformer changing shape and/or any of Megan Fox’s dialog)
When you make a complete crap movie called Transformers that somehow makes insane amounts of money because people are desperate for new action movies, they loved Transformers as a child, or they have terrible taste, what do you do? Make the same movie all over again! To start Shia LaBeouf and Megan Fox are back. Megan Fox’s reappearance ensures twelve year-old boys everywhere can get their dose of Megan’s boobs in between explosions and transformers, well, transforming. Shia LaBeouf, the douche who helped ruin the Indiana Jones series, is there so the tween girls can… oh wait, they won’t be seeing this film, will they. I guess I don’t know why LaBeouf is in this movie. Heap on explosions and robots transforming and all the stupid ideas from the first movie plus some extra just for good measure and Michael Bay is sure to have another hit summer blockbuster on his hands.
Luckily, for stupid people everywhere, the plot of Transformers 2 is not complicated: Robots fight each other. For the more observant readers you’ll notice this is the same plot as the first movie, but this means more time experiencing the glory that is Michael Bay special effects and less time worrying about plot. With the plot out of the way we are left with 149 of the 150 minutes for everything else. Here is a break down of what you can expect during that time:
- 10 Minutes of robots crying.
- 7 Minutes of dialog.
- 40 minutes of robots transforming.
- 44 minutes of robots fighting and things blowing up.
- 48 minutes of Megan Fox’s boobs.
That is a full six minutes more of Michael Bay brilliance over the original film!
What you should take away:
If you’ve directed movies like The Island, Pearl Harbor, Bad Boys II, Transformers, and Playboy Video Centerfold: Kerri Kendall, you still could be asked to direct blockbuster movies.
One-Hundred and Fifty Minutes for fuck’s sake!