Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen Pre-Review

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen opens tomorrow in theaters all across America, but because of my completely irrelevant blog I will have to review Michael Bay’s latest film without having actually seen it (no pre-screening for me).  You might think this feat hard.  After all don’t you have to actually see a film before reviewing it?  For most movies, yes.  For Michael Bay movies these days, especially Transformer movies, no.

The Quote:

“EEerWhurrrneeeeCLUNKEeeeeCLUNKeeeeeCLUNKwheeeeerrrrrniener” (Any Transformer changing shape and/or any of Megan Fox’s dialog)

The Review:

Transformers: Revenge of the FallenWhen you make a complete crap movie called Transformers that somehow makes insane amounts of money because  people are desperate for new action movies, they loved Transformers as a child, or they have terrible taste, what do you do?  Make the same movie all over again!  To start Shia LaBeouf and Megan Fox are back.  Megan Fox’s reappearance ensures twelve year-old boys everywhere can get their dose of Megan’s boobs in between explosions and transformers, well, transforming.  Shia LaBeouf, the douche who helped ruin the Indiana Jones series, is there so the tween girls can… oh wait, they won’t be seeing this film, will they.  I guess I don’t know why LaBeouf is in this movie.  Heap on explosions and robots transforming and all the stupid ideas from the first movie plus some extra just for good measure and Michael Bay is sure to have another hit summer blockbuster on his hands.

Luckily, for stupid people everywhere, the plot of Transformers 2 is not complicated: Robots fight each other.  For the more observant readers you’ll notice this is the same plot as the first movie, but this means more time experiencing the glory that is Michael Bay special effects and less time worrying about plot.  With the plot out of the way we are left with 149 of the 150 minutes for everything else.  Here is a break down of what you can expect during that time:

  • 10 Minutes of robots crying.
  • 7 Minutes of dialog.
  • 40 minutes of robots transforming.
  • 44 minutes of robots fighting and things blowing up.
  • 48 minutes of Megan Fox’s boobs.

That is a full six minutes more of Michael Bay brilliance over the original film!

What you should take away:

If you’ve directed movies like The Island, Pearl Harbor, Bad Boys II, Transformers, and Playboy Video Centerfold: Kerri Kendall, you still could be asked to direct blockbuster movies.

150 minutes!

One-Hundred and Fifty Minutes for fuck’s sake!

The Rating:

The Invasion

The Quote:

KILL ALL HUMANS!

Invasion“When you wake up, you’ll feel exactly the same.” (Presumably referring to everyone who fell asleep during the movie)

The Review:

Touted as an Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake, The Invasion, starring Nicole Kidman and Daniel Craig, tries to recreate the now three-times redone original film except this time with a twist: Dull characters, boring and predictable plot, unimaginative ending, and confusing dialog and action!  Oh thank you Hollywood for setting out on a mission to destroy every decent movie made in the last 50 years.

I think there was some effort in this film to try and throw into question who was really infected, who was sane, what was real, but to be honest the film was so poorly constructed most of these efforts were lost.  You have to wonder what the film was like before the studio had Andy Wachowski and Larry Wachowski rewrite parts of the script.  In most cases I would say the studio ruined it, but for this movie I’m going to assume the original effort by director Oliver Hirschbiegel was unwatchable.

What you should take away:

Do not drink anything. Ever.  No matter what.  Seriously.

If you think your spouse is acting strange do not jump straight to “shoot them in the head”, they might get better or you might get infected and not care anymore.

If your movie consists of world-changing alien infection and you end with everyone going back to normal and a “gee, that was odd” ending, you might want to consider a rewrite (or in this case a re-rewrite).

The movie poster says: We were too lazy to use blue and green in addition to the red.

The Rating: