G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra

The Quote:

“Technically, G.I. Joe does not exist…”  (If only we could be so lucky)

The Review:GI Joe Cobra Costume

If you took poop and threw it into a fan that was blowing onto a movie screen you would end up with a better movie.  It would be shorter, more thought provoking, and above all the sliding feces down the screen would trump the acting of nearly everyone in G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra.

What you should take away:

They should have considered calling the film CGI Joe: Cobra is Not in it But We’re Really Hoping for a Sequel so we Threw it in at the Last Minute.

Watching the TV show of, playing with, reading the comic of, or even knowing of the toy you intend to make a movie about is clearly not required.

The United States has a British president!  I knew we really lost the revolutionary war!  The British just installed a puppet government to make us feel like we were actually in control!

Director Stephen Sommers and his crack team of 6 writers should go try jumping.  Right now, go try it and see how high you can get.  Ok, now find someone good at jumping; I’ll save you the effort, Michael Jordan could jump 48 inches, the highest vertical leap was 60 inches by Kadour Ziani.  Snake Eyes in your movie jumped at least twenty feet over a flipping exploding car in mid air.  Perhaps insulting our intelligence AND basic physics are part of the suspense of G.I. Joe.  How will Sommers insult our intelligence next?!  Ice that sinks!  OH SNAP… I DIDN’T SEE THAT ONE COMING!

Please God never let Channing Tatum be in another movie. Ever. Again.  Shit, too late.

The Rating: