Total Retribution! aka Earth Killer! aka Blade Runner 2 – The Decision! (2011)

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A space station orbiting earth has a solar gun designed to destroy the planet in the event of alien invasion but after a civil war, two forces try to take control of the weapon while an Android is caught in the middle. Oh yeah, there are zombies for some reason.

This sci-fi horror (their words) has some astoundingly terrible special effects with equally astoundingly terrible acting. While impressive they used a space the size of my living room to film the whole thing it started to get really old when you saw the same cardboard door, and the same “robots only” tunnel (which humans frequently went through) over and over. The female android is completely naked for about 20 minutes of the movie and there many are chances for her to get some clothes off the various dead people, but no, she waits until she can get hot pants and a tube top with army boots and a skateboard knee pad for one leg. Maybe her logic chip likes the 80s. I give it 1 overacting villain out of 5 desperate efforts to cash in on a good movie.

Stars Robin Kurz

Katy Perry: Part of Me (2012)

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Katy Perry docudramady!

Some argued this was just PR smoke from her record label to help promote one of their biggest artists but I would argue it contained a lot of foam too. Katy Perry is crazy; I got tired just watching her perform for a whole year so I have no idea how she did it. 

I give it 4 Spinning Boob Discs out of 5 Blue Wigs.

Stars Katty Perry’s creepy blue cat.

Branded (2012)

All brands are a part of a conspiracy to control your mind!

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Terribly paced for the first 3/4ths, Branded tries to do what Syrup did and poke fun at marketing and how people respond to it but only succeeds in an odd mess of a story with some special effects dreamt up while the writer did some seriously strong acid. The most disappointing aspect is the way the movie was marketed. There are posters that appear to show the main character holding guns and in the above image he has an axe and while technically this may have happened it is simply an attempt to draw in viewers who looking for some action. There is no action in this film unless you count burning cows. I give it 2 tentacle creatures out of 5 sacrificial cows.

Stars Leelee Sobieski, Jeffery Tambor, Ed Stoppard

Hansel and Gretel Get Baked (2013)


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See title for plot.

To be fair Hansel abstains from pot but the true message of the story is don’t trust Pasadena California (where this movie takes place) at least if you are a teenager looking to score some pot. I’m fairly certain I walked down one of the roads this movie was filmed on going to the Rose Bowl (yeah I just dropped that shit). The movie briefly features Cary Elwes and Yancy Butler from Witchblade. Pot movies usually get a 1 from me, but the effort put into the gore effects really won me over. I give it 2 Black Forest joints out of 5 power company really wants you to know they care.

Stars Molly C. Quinn (from Castle), Michael Welch

Grumpy Cat’s Worst Christmas Ever (2014)

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The Lifetime advertised plot is that Grumpy Cat is lonely while living in a mall pet store, having been returned by numerous shoppers, until a young girl takes notice. The reality is Grumpy Cat is pretty damn satisfied living in the pet store and only gets involved with the girl because not getting involved would mean more effort. I can totally understand Grumpy Cat’s point of view.

My guess is this movie wouldn’t have been made if Aubrey Plaza wasn’t on board because she is the only actress that could pull off Grumpy Cat’s voice: disdain with disappointment and annoyance. The actual plot of the movie would barely make it as a made-for-tv Disney movie but the opening credits are pretty hilarious. After that I believe I mentioned that it “plummeted into awful” but there is a cute cat so it has that going for it! I give it 2 terrible pet store jokes out of 5 girls named Chrystal spelled with a “Ch” to avoid confusing her with a stripper.

Stars: Megan Charpentier, Aubrey Plaza

D.E.B.S. (2004)

The government has a secret school and agency that develops girls into secret agents. Their goal: Fight global crime!

D.E.B.S.Absurd and silly with heart D.E.B.S. never gets too serious even in it’s most dramatic moments. The story is ridiculous, the characters are ridiculous, really everything is ridiculous but it is lighthearted and full of charm.  I give it 4 plaid force fields out of 5 narcissistic sociopaths and victimized girl-childs.

Also: Jordana Brewster has amazing eyebrows.

Stars: Sara Foster, Jordana Brewster, Meagan Good