Passengers (2016)

Passengers 2016 Movie Image
image credit: passengersmovie.com

Some sex deprived loser wrote this shit show. It’s like a socially awkward man-child took his life goal of “trap pretty lady and make her love me” and turned it into a movie. On the surface it sounds like a marginally ok space-based romantic drama, but once you realize that Jim Preston (Chris Pratt) purposefully breaks Aurora Lane’s (Jennifer Lawrence) sleepy pod just so he could basically have a fuck-partner you get this super icky feeling every time they interact (which is always since they’re basically the ONLY characters in this movie).

Chris Pratt is easy on the eyes so it’s slightly more palatable compared to, say, a late model John Travolta drooling over JL’s body. That said Jim Preston is an asshole. Plots similar to this were marginally acceptable in the 80s when teens used a computer to create “the perfect woman” with a mega perm and hotpants, but from what I remember no sex was actually involved and the kids have that dumb innocence excuse going for them. Passengers, however, was made in 2016. Jim is an adult, and there is lots of sex going on so all the nostalgia of Weird Science is flushed out the airlock and we are left with a creepy a sex starved engineer.

As almost an after thought they throw in some drama about the ship malfunctioning and saving the other sleepy pod people. Speaking of which, the explanation for why all these people are leaving earth is a range between “because I feel like it” and “earth doesn’t need plumbers”. First: Earth will never NEVER not need plumbers as long as foul liquids explode from our holes. Second: Who takes a 180 year trip for funsies?

There are some thrilling moments of Chris Pratt beating on a door. Then thrilling moments while Jennifer Lawrence beats on the same door. Then some thrilling moments as Laurence Fishburne just presses a button and opens said door.

I rate it 2 cereal explosions out of 5 “that’s not how gravity works” sequences.