Ultra Pink-Ray 2.0 Released!

Ultra Pink-ray 2 Logo

2017 will bless us with a new optical disc format: Ultra Pink-Ray 2.0 which improves on almost everything about the original Pink-Ray. If you’ve forgotten: Pink-Ray beat out Blu-ray and HD-DVD winning the HD disc wars back in 2007.

The biggest improvement for Ultra Pink-Ray 2.0 was moving to a universal video codec. The format now uses Cinepak with 71 distinct 480i streams stitched together to form a 17K resolution picture that will simply blow your friends away when they see it.

Speaking of impressing your friends the 7-D adds 4 more dimensions to the traditional 3-D “More than 2 times the D of 3D!“. Imagine their surprise when things on the screen don’t just jump to life but they fly straight through their head and hit the wall behind them! Talk about immersive!

Pink-Ray blew us away with picture-in-picture-in-picture but Ultra Pink-Ray 2.0 brings us picture-in-picture-in-picture-below-picture-in-picture or “pipipbpip” and improved “Pink View” with even more pink!

Sound was not forgotten in this update. They’ve tripled the number of channels with a grand total of 132.9. Your friends can hear sounds behind them on their home theater systems but can they pinpoint with in .05 degrees where it is coming from? Not without Ultra Pink-Ray 2.0.

Noise has been reduced significantly taking the 2 RPM original Pink-Ray disc down to just .3 RPM with UPR2.0! A rock laying on the floor in a vacuum makes more noise.*

* Statement reflects the company’s opinion and not scientific fact.

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen Pre-Review

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen opens tomorrow in theaters all across America, but because of my completely irrelevant blog I will have to review Michael Bay’s latest film without having actually seen it (no pre-screening for me).  You might think this feat hard.  After all don’t you have to actually see a film before reviewing it?  For most movies, yes.  For Michael Bay movies these days, especially Transformer movies, no.

The Quote:

“EEerWhurrrneeeeCLUNKEeeeeCLUNKeeeeeCLUNKwheeeeerrrrrniener” (Any Transformer changing shape and/or any of Megan Fox’s dialog)

The Review:

Transformers: Revenge of the FallenWhen you make a complete crap movie called Transformers that somehow makes insane amounts of money because  people are desperate for new action movies, they loved Transformers as a child, or they have terrible taste, what do you do?  Make the same movie all over again!  To start Shia LaBeouf and Megan Fox are back.  Megan Fox’s reappearance ensures twelve year-old boys everywhere can get their dose of Megan’s boobs in between explosions and transformers, well, transforming.  Shia LaBeouf, the douche who helped ruin the Indiana Jones series, is there so the tween girls can… oh wait, they won’t be seeing this film, will they.  I guess I don’t know why LaBeouf is in this movie.  Heap on explosions and robots transforming and all the stupid ideas from the first movie plus some extra just for good measure and Michael Bay is sure to have another hit summer blockbuster on his hands.

Luckily, for stupid people everywhere, the plot of Transformers 2 is not complicated: Robots fight each other.  For the more observant readers you’ll notice this is the same plot as the first movie, but this means more time experiencing the glory that is Michael Bay special effects and less time worrying about plot.  With the plot out of the way we are left with 149 of the 150 minutes for everything else.  Here is a break down of what you can expect during that time:

  • 10 Minutes of robots crying.
  • 7 Minutes of dialog.
  • 40 minutes of robots transforming.
  • 44 minutes of robots fighting and things blowing up.
  • 48 minutes of Megan Fox’s boobs.

That is a full six minutes more of Michael Bay brilliance over the original film!

What you should take away:

If you’ve directed movies like The Island, Pearl Harbor, Bad Boys II, Transformers, and Playboy Video Centerfold: Kerri Kendall, you still could be asked to direct blockbuster movies.

150 minutes!

One-Hundred and Fifty Minutes for fuck’s sake!

The Rating:

Vote YES on Proposal 28

Too long has the State of Michigan let Pepsi drinkers besmirch the Coke drinkers of Michigan.  Proposal 28 would ban all Pepsi drinking both in public and private homes in the State of Michigan.  Do you want your children coming home and asking for a Pepsi at dinner?  How do you explain to them that drinking Pepsi is wrong even though their schoolmates do it?

By allowing Michigan residents to drink Pepsi you force Coke drinkers to accept and support an inferior and non-traditional soft drink.  Proposal 28 is not about taking away rights, it is about stopping Pepsi drinkers from imposing their belief that a soft drink can be just any flavored caramel colored fizzy sugar water.

We all know the real caramel colored fizzy sugar water is Coke and it should stay that way.

Paid for by Michigan Citizens for Proposal 28.

Nintendo preparing new hardware

With the success of the Wii, Nintendo is working hard on their next console.  Here are my predictions for the next Nintendo console:

  1. 4 Game Cubes = a Nintendo Sii!!!There will be no support for HD out of the box.  You will be expected to buy a special cable that will be extremely hard to find and if you are really lucky and the stars align just right and Nintendo does not go ultra cheap you might maybe just possibly get 720p, but my money is still on 480p.
  2. It will still not have a hard drive.  The new console will have a memory slot and you’ll be able to save your Mii Version 2’s on flash cards, but games like Rock Band will still require you to buy another disc for new songs, and no one will bother to make additional add-on content because it is such a pain in the ass.
  3. In an attempt to keep all the casual users hooked they will include motion control in the next console, but in an effort to be new and exciting they’ll forgo the controller and have a motion tracking camera called SiiMii that will work poorly because a $250 console isn’t going to be able to include a military-grade motion tracking camera.  The camera will require players to draw large red dots on their foreheads to properly track them.  Special markers for this will be sold exclusively at Game Stop.
  4. The media will be based off DVD technology, however we will either get square, triangle, or star shaped discs, just because.
  5. They will finally have support for mulitplayer gaming from 3rd party developers, however they’ll dumb it down so much that you won’t be able to see friends, join games based on certain attributes, chat, see stats, or setup rules for your own multiplayer match.  You will click a large button that says “PLAY ONLINE” and it will connect.  You will be teamed up with whoever Nintendo feels like and you will be promptly disconnected when the game is done.
  6. Widescreen games will be allowed but to avoid alienating retirement home gamers with square TVs developers will be required to make all their games 4×3 and then either crop to widescreen or stretch the image for widescreen TV owners.
  7. 2 years after the console’s release they will announce SiiMii-2, the replacement motion tracking camera that does a better job at camera motion tracking.  Developers will throw up their hands and start canceling game projects.
  8. The top selling games will be Super Mario Monkey Tree Farm, Mario and Friends Super Party Game Pack, Mario Kart Kollision Kaper (which will quickly become known as Mario KKK and will be renamed to Mario Diversity and Friendship Kart), Zelda and the Lost Hardcore Gamers, and 6 other games with Nintendo characters in the name.  There will be a total of 490 party games released for this console.
  9. They will start with a console name like Nintendo Fuse or Nintendo Ultra but end up naming it the Nintendo Sii (pronounced “see” as in it has a motion tracking camera that can see you).

Look for your Nintendo Sii sold out at a store near you sometime in 2010!

Pink-ray wins the HD wars!


Edgeofheaven.com is officially backing the next-gen HD format Pink-ray. This is a revolutionary new HD format offering 1440F minimum resolution. The “F” stands for “Fun” and doesn’t let you forget it! All discs are required to include drunken cast and crew commentary, unrated versions of all films released on the format, picture-in-picture-in-picture (or pipip), integrated drinking games, shuffle chapters option, pink-view (video is played through a pink filter), fast-forward function with audio (at all speeds), action and sex only option for playing back just the explosions, car chases, gun fights, or sex scenes, and many other Pink-ray exclusive features.

Pink-ray discs can hold 900UTB (Uber Terabyte) on a single layer and as much as 1,600UTB on a dual-layer disc. Due to the amazing power of the Pink-ray laser the disc only spins at 2 RPM reducing noise and vibration as well as extending disc life. Pink-ray video is compressed using the patented Codepink codec which supports uncompressed 44.3 surround sound and resolutions higher than we can count.

Pink-ray Players are as cheap as $35 thanks to the low processing power requirements of Codepink. Players are also cheaper because the Pink-ray laser is just a CD-ROM laser with a pink piece of plastic over it. The Pink-ray manufacturers recycle old CD players to make their lasers so they’re actually removing waste from the environment!

Pink-ray is truly the makings of the next great HD media format, sure to replace VHS, DVD, Blu-ray, and HD-DVD in the coming months as everyone’s primary home video format. Finally we can say the HD format war is over! Time to go shopping videophiles!