This just in from the Department of Halloween Festivities (DoHF):
A curfew of 5:30PM has been put into effect for October 31st and will remain until day break due to the unexpected increase in supernatural activity and the potential dangers of children, college students, and adults being confused for actual demons, ghosts, and other unworldly creatures. Failure to abide by curfew could result in arrest at minimum or at worst accidental staking, beheading, loss of limbs and/or eyes, fatal gunshot wound, drowning, or torching.
Citizens are encouraged to stay indoors and protect your home and loved ones at all costs. A DoHF chart will arrive in your mailbox no later than October 29th which will help you determine what type of supernatural event or creature you are dealing with and the proper way to dispose of it. The back of the chart has a Spanish version as well.
DoHF in conjunction with local law enforcement will be enforcing curfew as well as patrolling neighborhoods. People living in vampire problem areas will also be sent wooden stakes. DoHF stakes are NOT a toy nor should be used in any manner other than described in included instructions. Your DoHF chart will contain information on which local churches to obtain holy water from. Note: You must bring your own water to be blessed.
If you insist on hosting a Halloween party follow these guidelines:
1. Party members must arrive before the 5:30PM curfew time.
2. Party members must stay until daybreak.
3. Party members should not to dress as a vampire or “Dracula”, witch, ghost, goblin, any kind of vicious sea or land creature, zombie, bat, dragon, Frankenstein, spider, werewolf, demon, any Disney character, space alien or space creature of any kind, gremlin, troll, bogeyman, Bigfoot, imp, hag, ogre, wraith, bugbear, pirate, dinosaur, Godzilla, King Kong, no 1920’s clothing of any kind, succubus, the devil, republican, any angel (fallen or not), news anchor, lobbyist, or Hal 9000.
Suggested costumes: Normal human, firefighter, nurse, doctor, garbage man (or woman), stripper, boy or girl scout, yoga instructor, teacher, bus driver, construction worker, flight attendant, blogger, pilot, computer repair technician, librarian, and nun. “Sexy” or “Slutty” versions of any of these are also acceptable.
Before letting someone into your home follow: BESAFE
They Breathe, they Eat real food, they don’t Smell funny, they Act human, you can Feel them (e.g. not an apparition), and they are not Elevated off the floor.
Help the DoHF make Halloween a safe one by carefully following your chart, remember BESAFE and abide by local law enforcement. Lets make 2008 successful keep accidental death and dismemberment under 15% this year!
This press release is a bit of a disappointment, but I think it is important to enjoy halloween and be safe so I hope everyone will look for their DoHF chart and be vigilent throughout the holiday.