Passengers (2016)

Passengers 2016 Movie Image
image credit: passengersmovie.com

Some sex deprived loser wrote this shit show. It’s like a socially awkward man-child took his life goal of “trap pretty lady and make her love me” and turned it into a movie. On the surface it sounds like a marginally ok space-based romantic drama, but once you realize that Jim Preston (Chris Pratt) purposefully breaks Aurora Lane’s (Jennifer Lawrence) sleepy pod just so he could basically have a fuck-partner you get this super icky feeling every time they interact (which is always since they’re basically the ONLY characters in this movie).

Chris Pratt is easy on the eyes so it’s slightly more palatable compared to, say, a late model John Travolta drooling over JL’s body. That said Jim Preston is an asshole. Plots similar to this were marginally acceptable in the 80s when teens used a computer to create “the perfect woman” with a mega perm and hotpants, but from what I remember no sex was actually involved and the kids have that dumb innocence excuse going for them. Passengers, however, was made in 2016. Jim is an adult, and there is lots of sex going on so all the nostalgia of Weird Science is flushed out the airlock and we are left with a creepy a sex starved engineer.

As almost an after thought they throw in some drama about the ship malfunctioning and saving the other sleepy pod people. Speaking of which, the explanation for why all these people are leaving earth is a range between “because I feel like it” and “earth doesn’t need plumbers”. First: Earth will never NEVER not need plumbers as long as foul liquids explode from our holes. Second: Who takes a 180 year trip for funsies?

There are some thrilling moments of Chris Pratt beating on a door. Then thrilling moments while Jennifer Lawrence beats on the same door. Then some thrilling moments as Laurence Fishburne just presses a button and opens said door.

I rate it 2 cereal explosions out of 5 “that’s not how gravity works” sequences.

My Sucky Teen Romance (2011)

My Sucky Teen RomanceKate is interested in a local checkout clerk who happens to also be a vampire and soon Kate is showing signs of being undead as well.

This low budget indie film has some surprisingly good cinematography combined with a simple and predictable plot, but the movie stays interesting with a fair amount of wit and humor. The locations are limited but over all it is a cute film with a serious twist. 77 minutes is not a major time commitment; just think: you’ll be spending 45 less minutes than that famous sparkly vampire movie and with none of the dull characters and dialog. Despite being surrounded by subpar actors Elaine Hurt, playing Kate, does a great job. I give it 3 Cheesy Nuggets out of 5 fake vampire teeth.

Stars Elaine Hurt, Patrick Delgado.

Still a better love story than Twilight.

Knights of Badassdom (2013)

image credit: knightsofbadassdom-movie.com
image credit: knightsofbadassdom-movie.com

Live action role players (LARP) misuse an ancient text during their game resulting in summoning an actual demon.

Knights of Badassdom is a silly movie with the gore and personalities cranked up to 11. I’m fairly certain this movie has one of the few accurate depictions of what really happens during LARP events. The humor is hit and miss but overall an extremely dumb entertaining movie. I give it 4 foam swords out of 5 succubus turned soul sucking demons.

Stars Peter Dinklage, Ryan Kwanten, Summer Glau

The Extraordinary Adventures of Adèle Blanc-Sec (2010)

The Extraordinary Adventures of Adèle Blanc-SecA young woman adventurer embarks on a quest to save her sister who had a slight mishap with a hair pin.

The movie is from the mind of Luc Besson so you can expect a mix of drama, humor, and the weird. I highly recommend the original French with subtitles as the english dub is awful. Adèle is wonderfully charming and confident character but the story falls down in the resolution with heavy reliance on external forces rather than the characters we came to like throughout the movie. I give it 3 broken pterodactyl eggs out of 5 failed prison breaks.

Stars Louise Bourgoin

Total Retribution! aka Earth Killer! aka Blade Runner 2 – The Decision! (2011)

image credit: imdb.com

A space station orbiting earth has a solar gun designed to destroy the planet in the event of alien invasion but after a civil war, two forces try to take control of the weapon while an Android is caught in the middle. Oh yeah, there are zombies for some reason.

This sci-fi horror (their words) has some astoundingly terrible special effects with equally astoundingly terrible acting. While impressive they used a space the size of my living room to film the whole thing it started to get really old when you saw the same cardboard door, and the same “robots only” tunnel (which humans frequently went through) over and over. The female android is completely naked for about 20 minutes of the movie and there many are chances for her to get some clothes off the various dead people, but no, she waits until she can get hot pants and a tube top with army boots and a skateboard knee pad for one leg. Maybe her logic chip likes the 80s. I give it 1 overacting villain out of 5 desperate efforts to cash in on a good movie.

Stars Robin Kurz

Katy Perry: Part of Me (2012)

image credit: katyperrypartofme.com
image credit: katyperrypartofme.com

Katy Perry docudramady!

Some argued this was just PR smoke from her record label to help promote one of their biggest artists but I would argue it contained a lot of foam too. Katy Perry is crazy; I got tired just watching her perform for a whole year so I have no idea how she did it. 

I give it 4 Spinning Boob Discs out of 5 Blue Wigs.

Stars Katty Perry’s creepy blue cat.

Branded (2012)

All brands are a part of a conspiracy to control your mind!

image credit: io9.com
image credit: io9.com

Terribly paced for the first 3/4ths, Branded tries to do what Syrup did and poke fun at marketing and how people respond to it but only succeeds in an odd mess of a story with some special effects dreamt up while the writer did some seriously strong acid. The most disappointing aspect is the way the movie was marketed. There are posters that appear to show the main character holding guns and in the above image he has an axe and while technically this may have happened it is simply an attempt to draw in viewers who looking for some action. There is no action in this film unless you count burning cows. I give it 2 tentacle creatures out of 5 sacrificial cows.

Stars Leelee Sobieski, Jeffery Tambor, Ed Stoppard

Hansel and Gretel Get Baked (2013)

 

image credit: facebook.com/HanselGretelGetBaked/
image credit: facebook.com/HanselGretelGetBaked/

See title for plot.

To be fair Hansel abstains from pot but the true message of the story is don’t trust Pasadena California (where this movie takes place) at least if you are a teenager looking to score some pot. I’m fairly certain I walked down one of the roads this movie was filmed on going to the Rose Bowl (yeah I just dropped that shit). The movie briefly features Cary Elwes and Yancy Butler from Witchblade. Pot movies usually get a 1 from me, but the effort put into the gore effects really won me over. I give it 2 Black Forest joints out of 5 power company really wants you to know they care.

Stars Molly C. Quinn (from Castle), Michael Welch

Grumpy Cat’s Worst Christmas Ever (2014)

image credit: mylifetime.com
image credit: mylifetime.com

The Lifetime advertised plot is that Grumpy Cat is lonely while living in a mall pet store, having been returned by numerous shoppers, until a young girl takes notice. The reality is Grumpy Cat is pretty damn satisfied living in the pet store and only gets involved with the girl because not getting involved would mean more effort. I can totally understand Grumpy Cat’s point of view.

My guess is this movie wouldn’t have been made if Aubrey Plaza wasn’t on board because she is the only actress that could pull off Grumpy Cat’s voice: disdain with disappointment and annoyance. The actual plot of the movie would barely make it as a made-for-tv Disney movie but the opening credits are pretty hilarious. After that I believe I mentioned that it “plummeted into awful” but there is a cute cat so it has that going for it! I give it 2 terrible pet store jokes out of 5 girls named Chrystal spelled with a “Ch” to avoid confusing her with a stripper.

Stars: Megan Charpentier, Aubrey Plaza

D.E.B.S. (2004)

The government has a secret school and agency that develops girls into secret agents. Their goal: Fight global crime!

D.E.B.S.Absurd and silly with heart D.E.B.S. never gets too serious even in it’s most dramatic moments. The story is ridiculous, the characters are ridiculous, really everything is ridiculous but it is lighthearted and full of charm.  I give it 4 plaid force fields out of 5 narcissistic sociopaths and victimized girl-childs.

Also: Jordana Brewster has amazing eyebrows.

Stars: Sara Foster, Jordana Brewster, Meagan Good